The Cucumber and its Many Functions

There's so many things you can do with a cucumber:

You can chop it or dice it to go in a salad;
you can break it and sharpen it to put into a Mallard.
You can cover it in vinegar, balsamic or malt;
hold it up in the garden and attract lightning bolts.
You can hurl it through the air, like a green phallic spear;
you can dip it in Vaseline and stick it in your ear.
You can use it as a club and whack someone's bum;
you can use it as a rolling pin and squash a small plum.
You can wrap it as a present and give it to a boy called Billy;
strap it to your leg and pretend it's your willy.
Yes, there are so many uses for the humble 'cumber.
Like pretend it's a boat and sail the Humber.

How to Drive Car

Get in;
Apply seat belt;
Turn on ignition with gear leaver in neutral, and clutch depressed;
Administer Valium to depressed clutch;
Check mirrors and blind spot over right shoulder;
Signal;
Select first gear;
Bring now medicated clutch to biting point;
Depress throttle slightly to increase engine speed;
Maybe tell throttle it won't amount to anything;
Try not to be too sincere;
Release clutch fully;
Once you have reached 10 miles per hour, change into 2nd gear.
You are now free of the awful, vomit-scented grasp of public transport.
Congratulations
 

Charlie Uniform November Tango

Fuck shit arse bugger cock piss tits
Cunt knob bastard dick anus and clits
Dick nigger shit fuck fuck fuck cock
Cum Nazi poo damn wank in a sock

Cunt fuck shit fuck cunt cunt poo
Cum spunk porridge gun I hate you
Tits arse poo piss shit fuck gelignite
Ballsacks covered in shit and Vegemite

Hate hate kill kill ducks rainbows mittens
Unicorns and ponies trampling kittens
Fuck puppies fuck puppies boil them alive
Poach yourself a wild leopard and call the cunt Clive. 

The Outer Circle Night Witch

Riding the bus, one warm summer's night
A haggard "lady" gets on, as others alight
Her clothes, on her figure, are horribly tight
She sits next to a man, she greets him; "Alright?"

For much of the journey, she goes on and on
I'm hoping her trip doesn't last very long
She rants and she yells, her voice pierces the air
With passengers trying hard not to look or to stare

She rants about her late friend "His name was Paul if you knew 'im!"
But the well-to-do man would rather not stick his nose in
With Wine Gums in my pocket, my interest is waning
But I catch a glimpse of her face, her teeth, terrible staining

I think of various ways to calm her down without provoking
Then she lets out an abominable witch's laugh
From thirty years of smoking

She alights at Battery Park and the tension lifts
As she meets up with a man, and I stop and think
"Is this cunt blind, or is he just really pissed?"

SATURDAY NIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER

Walk into the club
I'm the thinnest guy there
and not only that
I've got the blondest hair

Spending thirty quid
Within an hour
Windmilling on the floor
With a fuckton of power

I'm so thin I don't need to open doors
A fresh gust of wind
And I'm on the floor
Bitch

Don't fuck with me
Or I'll cut you with my pelvis
When I get pissed
I'm convinced I can sing like Elvis

Eddie's, motherfucker
Five quid to get in
But the prices of the drinks
Are a fucking sin

I mean £3 for a pint!
Honestly, it's fucking extortion. 

Hug of Death

No child likes their great aunt
Especially not her breath
Smelling fags and sherry, here it comes
The reviled Hug of Death

No Canadian likes fighting a bear
Especially not on meth
Great balls of fury, here it comes
The reviled Hug of Death

Nobody likes a suicidal wife
Especially not MacBeth
Her corpse in his arms, here it comes
The reviled Hug of Death

Fabby Tits Galore

There's a great voluptuous woman
Going about town
She has her eyes on a hundred men
With fifty seven down

She is Fabby Tits Galore
Always leaves you wanting more
What goes on behind closed doors
Everybody knows

She's been to 'most every nation
Doing filthy things with man's instigation
Depending on your intonation
She'll do anything you ask

Because she is Fabby Tits Galore
Always leaves you wanting more
What goes on behind closed doors
Everybody knows