The Man with One Leg

This is the story of the man with one leg,
With no loss of confidence, he walked on a peg,
Along came a thief, one fateful day,
And without remorse, he took it away,
Cackle, did the man, with no spirit eroded,
As the stolen appendage promptly exploded.
It took the thief's leg, and justice was served,
And the legless man's mouth remained upward-curved.

A Scale of One-to-Ten

I thought about you again.
Thought about how pissed off I get when people rate you out of ten.
I want to shout at them "she's not just an object for you to examine and peruse,"
"Go and watch some porn if you're so easy to amuse."
But I don't,
Because that would be hypocritical,
So I join in with the rating, which is a part of me I hate,
Though if I were to rate you out of ten, you'd come a solid eight.

The Great Funk Whore

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.
Prepare for a tale of abhorrent sin,
The most horrific of all that has been.
Bare witness the malice of the great Funk Whore
She gargl'd and choked, and begg'd them for more,
She flounder'd and flail'd in their seed on the floor,
Her husband came home and opened the door,
Get on the floor,
Everybody walk the dinosaur.

Valentine's Day, Bitch

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Shut the fuck up,
I'm talking to you.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I fucked your sister,
And I fucked your mum, too.

Roses are red,
Rhododendron are pink,
Clean up your cunt,
Because you fucking stink.

Roses are red,
And gifted yearly,
I'm only joking,
And I love you really.

Ew.

Ballad for the Children

So as I curl one out, this fateful day,
I hear the children, laughing at play,
Through the bathroom window, I hear one say
"I'll shank ya mom, bled"
And then the unmistakable rattle of the engine of a moped,
Which is probably insured in his father's name.

I grow tired of the noise, I've had enough of this shit,
I'm not impressed, not one little bit
So I acquire a gun
And then have my fun
I laugh as I imagine them fail to get into heaven
As I spray red hot death unto them with an AK47.

Trublic Pansport

It's the vomit in the aisle
It's the pervert's smile
Staring at the girl flaunting her tits
Scowling at everyone with man bits
The driver keeps kicking the brake pedal
Like a Ti Kwan Doe athlete, trying to win a gold medal
Relentlessly pounding, a yard from every red light
Which inevitably kicks off the drug addicts, who are now having a fight
With everyone who looks even slightly like someone who slighted them
Once
Ten years ago
Fuck buses, and their diseased human cargo.

Battles of Snow

Battles confined to a unkempt playing field
Because one dumb fuck did fail to yield
Prior to throwing a ball of snow 'cross the road
"Come at me, then, you fucking chode"
Shouted one to the other, in what's known as 'par'
As the ball collided with a passing car.
The police were called,
But more snow was balled,
And white fluffy missiles keep hurtling through the air
To melt, as you go indoors, into your once toasty hair.