Professor Oak - By Damon Keogh Carey

Professor Oak,
You are a joke,
On your grandson's dick,
You shall choke.

I will powerbomb you,
You fucking Jew,
And bury your corpse,
Under a tree of Yew.

When you are dead,
I will give you head,
But you won't enjoy it,
Because you are dead.

So Professor Oak,
Who is a joke,
Buried under a tree,
With a sachet of coke.

I'm Fucking Partial to a Bit of Salad Cream

Last night I had a dream
It was about salad cream
If you don't like plain old salad
Listen to this awesome ballad

If you have a salad dream
I will gather up a team
To send you down some salad cream
In a giant laser beam

I do not like salad dressing
Frankly I find it depressing
It's not as good as mayonnaise
I ate it non-stop for three days


If you have a salad dream
I will gather up a team
To send you down some salad cream
In a giant laser beam

Salad cream is cream for salad
I squirted some right on a Mallard
(A Mallard is a type of duck)
I didn't even give a fuck 

The Man with One Leg

This is the story of the man with one leg,
With no loss of confidence, he walked on a peg,
Along came a thief, one fateful day,
And without remorse, he took it away,
Cackle, did the man, with no spirit eroded,
As the stolen appendage promptly exploded.
It took the thief's leg, and justice was served,
And the legless man's mouth remained upward-curved.

A Scale of One-to-Ten

I thought about you again.
Thought about how pissed off I get when people rate you out of ten.
I want to shout at them "she's not just an object for you to examine and peruse,"
"Go and watch some porn if you're so easy to amuse."
But I don't,
Because that would be hypocritical,
So I join in with the rating, which is a part of me I hate,
Though if I were to rate you out of ten, you'd come a solid eight.

The Great Funk Whore

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.
Prepare for a tale of abhorrent sin,
The most horrific of all that has been.
Bare witness the malice of the great Funk Whore
She gargl'd and choked, and begg'd them for more,
She flounder'd and flail'd in their seed on the floor,
Her husband came home and opened the door,
Get on the floor,
Everybody walk the dinosaur.

Valentine's Day, Bitch

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Shut the fuck up,
I'm talking to you.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I fucked your sister,
And I fucked your mum, too.

Roses are red,
Rhododendron are pink,
Clean up your cunt,
Because you fucking stink.

Roses are red,
And gifted yearly,
I'm only joking,
And I love you really.

Ew.

Ballad for the Children

So as I curl one out, this fateful day,
I hear the children, laughing at play,
Through the bathroom window, I hear one say
"I'll shank ya mom, bled"
And then the unmistakable rattle of the engine of a moped,
Which is probably insured in his father's name.

I grow tired of the noise, I've had enough of this shit,
I'm not impressed, not one little bit
So I acquire a gun
And then have my fun
I laugh as I imagine them fail to get into heaven
As I spray red hot death unto them with an AK47.