How to Drive Car

Get in;
Apply seat belt;
Turn on ignition with gear leaver in neutral, and clutch depressed;
Administer Valium to depressed clutch;
Check mirrors and blind spot over right shoulder;
Signal;
Select first gear;
Bring now medicated clutch to biting point;
Depress throttle slightly to increase engine speed;
Maybe tell throttle it won't amount to anything;
Try not to be too sincere;
Release clutch fully;
Once you have reached 10 miles per hour, change into 2nd gear.
You are now free of the awful, vomit-scented grasp of public transport.
Congratulations
 

Charlie Uniform November Tango

Fuck shit arse bugger cock piss tits
Cunt knob bastard dick anus and clits
Dick nigger shit fuck fuck fuck cock
Cum Nazi poo damn wank in a sock

Cunt fuck shit fuck cunt cunt poo
Cum spunk porridge gun I hate you
Tits arse poo piss shit fuck gelignite
Ballsacks covered in shit and Vegemite

Hate hate kill kill ducks rainbows mittens
Unicorns and ponies trampling kittens
Fuck puppies fuck puppies boil them alive
Poach yourself a wild leopard and call the cunt Clive. 

The Outer Circle Night Witch

Riding the bus, one warm summer's night
A haggard "lady" gets on, as others alight
Her clothes, on her figure, are horribly tight
She sits next to a man, she greets him; "Alright?"

For much of the journey, she goes on and on
I'm hoping her trip doesn't last very long
She rants and she yells, her voice pierces the air
With passengers trying hard not to look or to stare

She rants about her late friend "His name was Paul if you knew 'im!"
But the well-to-do man would rather not stick his nose in
With Wine Gums in my pocket, my interest is waning
But I catch a glimpse of her face, her teeth, terrible staining

I think of various ways to calm her down without provoking
Then she lets out an abominable witch's laugh
From thirty years of smoking

She alights at Battery Park and the tension lifts
As she meets up with a man, and I stop and think
"Is this cunt blind, or is he just really pissed?"

SATURDAY NIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER

Walk into the club
I'm the thinnest guy there
and not only that
I've got the blondest hair

Spending thirty quid
Within an hour
Windmilling on the floor
With a fuckton of power

I'm so thin I don't need to open doors
A fresh gust of wind
And I'm on the floor
Bitch

Don't fuck with me
Or I'll cut you with my pelvis
When I get pissed
I'm convinced I can sing like Elvis

Eddie's, motherfucker
Five quid to get in
But the prices of the drinks
Are a fucking sin

I mean £3 for a pint!
Honestly, it's fucking extortion. 

Hug of Death

No child likes their great aunt
Especially not her breath
Smelling fags and sherry, here it comes
The reviled Hug of Death

No Canadian likes fighting a bear
Especially not on meth
Great balls of fury, here it comes
The reviled Hug of Death

Nobody likes a suicidal wife
Especially not MacBeth
Her corpse in his arms, here it comes
The reviled Hug of Death

Fabby Tits Galore

There's a great voluptuous woman
Going about town
She has her eyes on a hundred men
With fifty seven down

She is Fabby Tits Galore
Always leaves you wanting more
What goes on behind closed doors
Everybody knows

She's been to 'most every nation
Doing filthy things with man's instigation
Depending on your intonation
She'll do anything you ask

Because she is Fabby Tits Galore
Always leaves you wanting more
What goes on behind closed doors
Everybody knows

Friday Night Cock Thrills

As much as I like seeing attractive women
Walking down the street
They make me feel less timid
So I can stand on my own two feet

But there's this harsh reality
That, down my spine, gives me chills
That all they're really doing is looking
For their Friday night cock thrills.

Fucking Fantastic

Dance like nobody's watching,
Dress like nobody can see you, 
Swear like nobody can hear you, 
Fuck like it's your solemn duty,
Wank like your genitals have personally insulted you, 

Drink as if your liver fucked your mum, 
Smoke like you're trying to start a nationwide fog, 
Listen to heavy metal, 
Watch pornography as if it's your job, 
Read a book or something, 

Just please, 
Please, 
Shut the fuck up, you ingrate. 

U Wot M8?

If you've got porn on,
And you say "Go on, son!"
You're probably a Cockney

If a flight of stairs
Is the "apples and pears"
You're probably a Cockney

If all you could afford for your marriage
Was a Hackney Carriage
You're probably a Cockney

Oi m8 fuk ur girlfriend
ill fill her with cum
ill lamp u in the gabber
i swear on my mum

This One's Really Crass

There's not much to do while you sit and wait.
You can play with your phone or you can masturbate.
Although the former's definitely better when in public,
You might get arrested if you sit in the park and rub dick.

Especially if it's a stranger's dick.
The plod will come and take you down the nick.
They'll put you in cuffs and bundle you into a Vauxhall
They don't do much though, put you in the cells and that's all.

They'll charge you for indecent exposure,
I can't say it's worse if you do a romance explosion
But it might be.

I got away with it.

Coke - By Adam Cooke

What happened to Coke with lime?
Oh we shared the best of times,
Better than Coke Zero,
'Cus that just tastes like piss.

I like my cola with a nice roast dinner.
I pour it on my roast potatoes.
Oh aren't I a sinner!
And it tasted like sugary shite.

Coke on a Monday,
Oh, what a fun day!
Not as good as a Sunday,
Or in the afternoon on a ship.

I like my Coke is Asia.
I also love Eurasia.
He rides a unicorn,
'Till the break of night.


But coke, oh coke,
As I snort you up my nose...
You were so good with lime,
You made my dick chime.

Professor Oak - By Damon Keogh Carey

Professor Oak,
You are a joke,
On your grandson's dick,
You shall choke.

I will powerbomb you,
You fucking Jew,
And bury your corpse,
Under a tree of Yew.

When you are dead,
I will give you head,
But you won't enjoy it,
Because you are dead.

So Professor Oak,
Who is a joke,
Buried under a tree,
With a sachet of coke.

I'm Fucking Partial to a Bit of Salad Cream

Last night I had a dream
It was about salad cream
If you don't like plain old salad
Listen to this awesome ballad

If you have a salad dream
I will gather up a team
To send you down some salad cream
In a giant laser beam

I do not like salad dressing
Frankly I find it depressing
It's not as good as mayonnaise
I ate it non-stop for three days


If you have a salad dream
I will gather up a team
To send you down some salad cream
In a giant laser beam

Salad cream is cream for salad
I squirted some right on a Mallard
(A Mallard is a type of duck)
I didn't even give a fuck