SATURDAY NIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER

Walk into the club
I'm the thinnest guy there
and not only that
I've got the blondest hair

Spending thirty quid
Within an hour
Windmilling on the floor
With a fuckton of power

I'm so thin I don't need to open doors
A fresh gust of wind
And I'm on the floor
Bitch

Don't fuck with me
Or I'll cut you with my pelvis
When I get pissed
I'm convinced I can sing like Elvis

Eddie's, motherfucker
Five quid to get in
But the prices of the drinks
Are a fucking sin

I mean £3 for a pint!
Honestly, it's fucking extortion. 

Hug of Death

No child likes their great aunt
Especially not her breath
Smelling fags and sherry, here it comes
The reviled Hug of Death

No Canadian likes fighting a bear
Especially not on meth
Great balls of fury, here it comes
The reviled Hug of Death

Nobody likes a suicidal wife
Especially not MacBeth
Her corpse in his arms, here it comes
The reviled Hug of Death

Fabby Tits Galore

There's a great voluptuous woman
Going about town
She has her eyes on a hundred men
With fifty seven down

She is Fabby Tits Galore
Always leaves you wanting more
What goes on behind closed doors
Everybody knows

She's been to 'most every nation
Doing filthy things with man's instigation
Depending on your intonation
She'll do anything you ask

Because she is Fabby Tits Galore
Always leaves you wanting more
What goes on behind closed doors
Everybody knows

Friday Night Cock Thrills

As much as I like seeing attractive women
Walking down the street
They make me feel less timid
So I can stand on my own two feet

But there's this harsh reality
That, down my spine, gives me chills
That all they're really doing is looking
For their Friday night cock thrills.

Fucking Fantastic

Dance like nobody's watching,
Dress like nobody can see you, 
Swear like nobody can hear you, 
Fuck like it's your solemn duty,
Wank like your genitals have personally insulted you, 

Drink as if your liver fucked your mum, 
Smoke like you're trying to start a nationwide fog, 
Listen to heavy metal, 
Watch pornography as if it's your job, 
Read a book or something, 

Just please, 
Please, 
Shut the fuck up, you ingrate. 

U Wot M8?

If you've got porn on,
And you say "Go on, son!"
You're probably a Cockney

If a flight of stairs
Is the "apples and pears"
You're probably a Cockney

If all you could afford for your marriage
Was a Hackney Carriage
You're probably a Cockney

Oi m8 fuk ur girlfriend
ill fill her with cum
ill lamp u in the gabber
i swear on my mum

This One's Really Crass

There's not much to do while you sit and wait.
You can play with your phone or you can masturbate.
Although the former's definitely better when in public,
You might get arrested if you sit in the park and rub dick.

Especially if it's a stranger's dick.
The plod will come and take you down the nick.
They'll put you in cuffs and bundle you into a Vauxhall
They don't do much though, put you in the cells and that's all.

They'll charge you for indecent exposure,
I can't say it's worse if you do a romance explosion
But it might be.

I got away with it.